All she had to do was put on her shoes…
Originally published December 1, 2015
It happened so quickly. One minute my eight year old daughter and I were preparing to go on a bike ride, leaving her grandfather to watch the football game. The next minute, I’m screaming at my daughter for not being ready, then in my father-in-law’s face because he got involved in the situation. All she had to do was put her shoes on and we would have been on our way.
Then the first awareness came: Responsibility. I started this drama, and I was responsible for it. As my energy intensified around the situation, so did Papa’s. My daughter was just being herself, doing things in her own time. I sat down and felt what was going on inside of me.
Then the second awareness came: Time. This was about my obsession with time. At first, I focused on why I was pressing her. Sure, I had other things I wanted to do after the bike ride, but there was something else at play. I had been here, in this situation but more importantly in this feeling, before – often, in fact. As I sat with the feeling, I was flooded with images of similar occurrences where I was on edge because either I thought I was going to be late or I thought someone else was going to make me late.
Then the third awareness came: Fear. In all these situations, I was afraid of disappointing someone, fearful that I would get into trouble for not having done something. This was old wreckage – deep wreckage. I sat with the feeling, remembering similar situations. Back and back I went until I got to childhood. “If you are not ready on time… if your chores are not done when I come home…” I sat with the feeling some more, letting the emotions wash over and integrate within me. Then it was over.
This is the work at hand for me. This is the work that I am choosing to do. These awarenesses would not have been possible without the assistance from those at the Awareness Institute, primarily through the organization’s life-changing workshops. This is why I keep coming back. With ever-increasing gratitude.
Tim
Tim is a team volunteer for the Awareness Institute.